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The first thing you need to do when visiting the Ideal Homes Exhibition is to head straight for the MBNA stand and apply for their credit card. They will then give you a large holdall bag to carry all the other rubbish errr... I mean stuff.
I lied. That is not the first thing you should do. Prior to going, get married to a man with good bag-bearing shoulders. Even better if he has well built wallet.
After you have completed your preparation, it is time to go and see all those super salesmen and their British-made, easy to clean, time-saving, improved, not-available-in-the-shops, as-seen-on-TV, dish-washer-safe, one-time only, available at the show price, for limited time, while stocks last, makes-an-excellent-gift, designed in the USA, styled in Italy, very popular in Japan, uber-product and then pay by cash-cheque-mastercard-visa.
The best of the presentation sales products:
Diablo - a miniature frying pan with a lid for making toasties. Believe me it's fantastic. Go to the stall when you are hungry, as you get a piece of toastie. Then buy it and get another piece of toastie. I can't stop eating these things.
Non-drip paint roller - I do not DIY or decorate, so this product is very likely to live up to its promise of not dripping paint on hair, shirt, glasses, floor, sofa, carpet, fruit bowl or pet mouse.
Sophisticated TV dinner tray - A tray with a polished slab of volcanic rock that cooks your steak, sausages etc. while you wait. This has to be the strangest, most original way to eat dinner - I recommend you buy one for you and all your friends (it would be no fun to eat alone).
Other stuff:
The hot tubs - there are always loads of hot tubs as the vendors are under the misconception that this is California.
The massage chairs - if you have walked 27.4 miles carrying enough rubbish to keep a recycling centre busy for a month, then you will need a chair with a motorised soft toy to knead you in the back.
The Ideal Home Show no longer seems to show you the ideal home. It more gives you an entertaining day out watching presentations, getting a mechanical massage and having your shoes cleaned. Go now...
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